True Lies V

Vanities

A punch list of real-estate insincerity

OUTSIDE: "We need more space." “We need more room for the kids.”“It’s not like we just want an impressive address.”"It can't hurt to look." "I'm not one of those high-pressure brokers." “We’re not going to jump at the first thing we see.” "The market is awfully tight right now." "This just came on the market this morning." “It’s a mini-estate.” “A rustic gem.”“A distinguished retreat." "A secluded refuge." "With gracious old-world charm." "Spacious closets." “Million-dollar views.”"Excellent schools." "Convenient commute." “Room for a tennis court.” “Move-in condition.” “All it needs is some cosmetics.”“Paint and paper.”“I don’t mean to rush you.”“It won’t last long at this price.” "There's another offer coming in this afternoon." "You may not find another one like it." “I suppose we could stretch a little.”“I don’t know if I can go to them with that offer.” "There won't be a problem at the bank." “Maybe I’ll be able to work something out on my commission.”“I’m sure we’ll be able to reach an agreement.”“Real estate is still your best investment.” "I'm sure we're doing the right thing." "Congratulations. I know you'll both be very happy here."

INSIDE: "It's just a small renovation." “We don’t expect to get intoArchitectural Digest.""The zoning board usually rubber-stamps these things." "You always get your money out of a tennis court." “You’ll have the bids Monday.” “You’ll have the bids next week.” "You'll have it first thing in the morning." “You probably won’t have to replace the foundation.” "You probably won't have to replace the roof." “You probably won’t have to replace the pipes.” "It'll run you $25,000." “$95,000.” “$325,000.” "Tops." "You get what you pay for." "We start Monday." “Thursday at the latest.”“You’ll have to replace the foundation.” "You have to replace the pipes." "You need a new roof." "There's just a small problem at the bank." “The zoning board never takes this long.”“The contractor needs a check this morning.” "I can't start until the plumber gets finished." "I can't start till the electrician is done." "No, I hadn't noticed the way the carpenter was looking at me." “I always walk around the house in my exercise clothes.” "We'll make up the time this week." "It's just a minor change." “It wasn’t on the blueprint.” "I'm not going to pay for it." “I want to be out of here as much as you want me out of here.”“The job will be finished next week. I guarantee it. ” "I'm not running away—I have to go on a business trip." "I can't reach something in the closet." "I've never done this with one of my clients before." “I hope you had a nice trip.” "So I told Ovitz ... " "Of course I'm listening to you." "Jack is working as fast as he can." “I want to know the y truth.”“I am not having an affair with the carpenter. ”

THE FINAL DETAILS: "You seemed like such a happy couple." “It was too much house for us.” "I don't know what possessed us to buy it." “It probably would have happened sooner or later, anyway.” "The renovation just brought things to a head." “I’m not just your broker. I’m your friend.” "You have to be realistic." "The market is awfully soft right now." “You never get your money out of a tennis court.’“I never cut my commissions. ”"Relocation forces sale." “Move-in condition.”“Motivated seller.”“No matter what they say, a house is still your best investment.” "I will never renovate again."“It was going to be our dream house.” "There's no place like home."

BRUCE FEIRSTEIN