New Fun with Dick and Jane

Henry Alford updates the 30s-era classic for a more dysfunctional age

See Dick and Sally and Jane wave bye-bye.

Mother and Father are going to East Hampton for the weekend.

See Jane have issues with that.

See Jane have abandonment issues.

"Intimacy is not a four-letter word," says Jane.

Jane says abandonment is "not healing."

"Father and Mother are making too many withdrawals & from this family's emotional bank account."

See Jane try to talk to Father and Mother when they return.

"Oh, Father! Oh, Mother! I am angry. What has happened to our family?"

See Father say, "You are entitled to your feelings, Jane.

But we have issues, too. I have a complicated drinking problem, and your mother is about to pull an Ellen. But we do love you so.

Here are some separates from Dolce & Gabbana."

"Oh, Dick," Jane says.

"You must help. Our family is mired under with dysfunction."

But Dick is busy, too.

Dick is organizing his wedding to Waldo, from Where's Waldo?

Dick is hoarse from telling the party planner, "Less, less, less."

¥ Dick is scouring the township for fresh cilantro.

Dick is looking for napery in burnt icicle.

"Oh, Dick!" Jane says. "Identity politics have marginalized you!"

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"Oh, Sally," Jane says. "You must help our family."

But Sally is busy, too. Sally is trying to deconstruct Winona Ryder. Sally says Winona Ryder is a cultural signifier. Sally wants to major in Gender Studies at Hampshire.

"But I thought you were interested in Courtney Love," Jane says. "Oh, Jane," Sally says. "You are so five-minutes-ago."

Deconstruct, Sally, deconstruct!

But the next day, Father and Mother jet off again.

See Sally cry. See Jane seize the moment.

"Now you get it," Jane says. "Father and Mother are part of a larger system of abuse.

Father and Mother are plotting against us.

We must be co-dependent no more."

What will Jane and Sally do?

See Sally and Jane go to the countryside.

See Sally and Jane don berets.

See Sally and Jane form a militia.

There they go!

Bye-bye, Sally and Jane!

Sally and Jane are going off the grid!