Intelligence Report The colleges

TECH SCHOOLS

IVY LEAGUE

SEVEN SISTERS

BIG TEN

SCHOOLS of the DUMB RICH

FLAGSHIP CAMPUS

Cal Tech

Brown

Smith

Michigan

Bennington

POSTER CHILD

Jeff Bezos

Duncan Sheik

Hillary Clinton

George W. Bush

Bret Easton Ellis

FASHION

Orange cargo pants

Armani Exchange

Floral scrunchy

North Face bubble jacket and shorts

Cords, obscure-band T-shirt, nail polish for men

HOT CLASS

Particle Physics 205: Building and Maintaining Your Hydrogen Bomb

Intro to Ethics: The New Altruism of America s Meritocratic Elite

Advanced Empowerment

Anything offered by the celebrated Ohio State Accounting Department

Sex with Betsy (one of Bennington's most popular classes)

CAR

Make-your-own electric car

Black 2001 Jetta

White 2001 Cabriolet

Saffron Accord

Silver Saab 9000

BODY ALTERATION

Braces

Nose job

Brazilian wax

Navel ring

Henna face tattoo

ROMANTIC STATUS

Upscale escorts for enfantrepreneurs

In committed on-line ^ relationship

Four-year plan

Candidate for MRS degree

"People hook up. It definitely happens."

CAMPUS LEGEND

Underground LSD labs

Suicide rule

Bordello dorm

Local farmer defends sheep meadow from frat invasions

F.B.I. topping campus phones

HOT PROTEST

Save Napster

No classes during Kwanza

Better lights on footpath

Free-range pork at campus hot-dog stand

Free Mumia

MUSIC

Stereolab

Dave Matthews

Ani DiFranco

Eminem

Belle and Sebastian

DRINKING GAME

Beer Chess

The Wanker

I Never...

Asshole Waterfall

Circle of Death

HAZING RITUAL

PC. gang hacked by R.A.'s

Icky cookie

Forced midnight pajama march to ice-cream shop

Four-story beer funnel

Forced to read Story of 0 until you like it

ACCESSORY

Corporate

headhunter

Condescending smirk

Rape whistle

Key-chain Breathalyzer

Half-read copy of Godel, Escher, Bach

PICKUP LINE

"Ever tried the top two percentile?"

"This sundial is named after my grandfather.”

"Would you like to see the closet where Sylvia Plath tried to hong herself?"

"Come on, it's for my initiation."

"What's wrong?"

NAKED EVENT

M.l.T. Naked Day-Trading

Princeton Nude Olympics

Vassar HomoHop

Michigan Naked Mile

Hampshire Roman Sauna

DRUG

Nitrous

Vivarin

Cosmopolitans

Ritalin-jalaperio poppers

Lithium

ALUMNI BECOME

Pacific Bell C.E.O.

Everybody Loves Raymond staff writer

No. 2 in Christie's Bid Department

Mutual of Omaha regional rep

Townies

MOTTO

"We're the Junior Paper Billionaires Club."

"The meaning of excellence."

It's like Ally McBeal goes to college."

"The best five years of my life."

"Color outside the lines."

ADAM LEFF

RICHARD RUSHFIELD