Backpage TRUE LIES

Et Cetera

The Hollywood Sex and Scandal Edition

BRUCE FEIRSTEIN

ACT ONE

The Incident

I didn't do it.

It wasn't me.

It's not my car.

It's not my gun.

It's not my voice.

It's not my picture.

It's not my kid.

They're not my drugs.

That's not me in

the sex tape.

We can take care of this.

We can keep it out of the papers.

It's all going to blow over in a few days.

I can make it go away.

TMZ will never find out.

Perez Hilton isn't interested.

The Hollywood Reporter will never write about it.

We can keep this quiet.

You're not a suspect.

We just want to ask you a few questions.

ACT TWO

Trial by Press

It's the crime of the century.

You can't believe what you read in the National Enquirer.

The D.A. never leaks to the press.

We're not going to try this in the court of public opinion.

My client is innocent.

We have no comment.

He doesn't know who did it.

The account was hacked.

She walked into a wall.

I don't know how the phone

calls got J5. released.

I didn't know she was under-age.

I went back to get the gun I'd left in the restaurant.

There's nothing strange about

ZT" l sleeping with young boys.

I don't need to hire hookers.

I'd never call my daughter a pig.

I thought

necklace was a gift.

I refuse to be blackmailed.

It was an overdose of barbiturates.

She shot herself.

I am not anti-gay.

I'm not anti-Semitic.

I'm not guilty of sexual harassment.

I love women.

I was just having fun.

I wasn't violating my parole.

He said he had a foolproof way of investing the money.

Marty Singer is bluffing.

Gloria Allred has only her client's best interests in mind.

The police must have planted the drugs.

The jury won't be swayed by celebrity.

The judge isn't auditioning for a talk show.

The D.A. isn't shopping a book contract.

You can turn it around \ ,.⅛3⅝' . with an / appearance on Leno.

We'd just had lunch at the Chateau.

My client isn't a flight risk.

My fans know the truth.

This isn't like O.J.

He was looking forward to starting his next picture.

This isn't like Phil Spector.

This isn't like John Belushi.

This isn't like Mel Gibson,

_ Lindsay Lohan, Wesley Snipes, or Marilyn Monroe.

If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit.

I'll have to get back to you on that.

I hope you'll respect my need for privacy.

ACT THREE

The Verdict

I'm the victim here.

Celebrities are subject to the same laws as everybody else.

I thought we had a deal with the D.A.

If you do this again, you're going to jail.

He doesn't need prison, he needs rehab.

I look forward to fulfilling my community service.

She's learned her lesson.

She's going to be on time.

She's kicked the drugs.

He's solved his anger issues.

He's being treated for sexual addiction.

He's being counseled by a rabbi.

We expect this to have no effect on his career.

This should not affect your ability to run for governor.

The details of the settlement are private.

I want to thank my fans for the outpouring of public support.

I'm sorry for anyone I may have offended.

Right now, I just want to spend time with my family.

I'm going to spend the rest of my life tracking down the real killers.

A jury of your peers finds you not guilty.

The case is closed.