GASBAGGERY MADE SIMPLE: The Express Lane to Joining the "DECISION 2012" PUNDITOCRACY

BRUCE FEIRSTEIN

SO YOU WANT TO BE A POLITICAL PUNDIT

Immigration

Hollywood

NPR

The welfare state

The corporate-

welfare state

Big government

Big oil

Lawyers

Walmart

The A.C.LU.

Planned Parenthood

Entitlement

programs

Activist judges

NOW PICK YOUR FAVORITE HOBBYHORSE:

. . . AND ATTACHING THEM TO ONE OF THESE NOUNS:

• Lib

• Whiner

• Wimp

• Chicken hawl

• Extremist

Fascist

• Sexist

• Socialist

• Elitist

• Bleeding-heart

• Knee-jerk

• Jimmy Carter-like

• Dick Cheney-esque

• Hypocrite

• Hack

• Wing out

• Neanderthal

Muslim

Wall Street bonuses

• The deficit

• Global warming

• Shari'a law

• The MSM

The Bush tax cuts

FINALLY, NO MATTER WHAT THE ISSUE OR EVENT, ALWAYS (ONII IIDF THAT

`Hey~I'm only asking ciuestions."

"It's a game changer that will shift the paradigm, energize the base, sway the independents, and guarantee our party a higwin in the next presidential election."

ONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE A PUNDIT! YOU'VE JUST WON:

V • Being a gay, black, pro-choice, pro-Palestinian, and/or Harvard-educated Republican

• Being a God-fearing, gun-owning, anti abortion, and/or former-navy SEAL Democrat

• Being married to your political polar opposite

• Being the political-polar-opposite child of a famous politician

NEXT, PUT A FACE ON YOUR VILLAINS:

... WITH AT LEAST ONE ADJECTIVE FROM THIS GROUP...

AND IF THAT DOESN'T WIN THE ARGUMENT, CALL THE OPPOSITION:

AND REMEMBER THAT YOU CAN PERPETUATE THE MOST VILE RUMOR ABOUT AN OPPONENT BY DECLAIMING:

• Abookeoritract

• Your own syndicated radio talk sho~%

• A regular spot on ABC's This Week with ChristianeAmanpour

• A contributor's contract with CNN, MSNBC, or Fox News

• Barack Obama,'~ Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid

SarahPalin,

John Boehner, and Michele Bachmann

• Tree-hugging

• Baby-killing

• Warmongering

• Terrorist-coddling Flip-flopping

• Racist

Nazis

AND REMEMBER TO PROCLAIM, NO MATTER WHAT THE ISSUE, THAT ONE OF THE FOLLOWING IS AT STAKE:

• Chuldrenwilldie

• The elderlywill lack health care

• Millions will be pot not of work

• Farmers will lose their family farms

• Small businesses will be crushe

• Millions will go hungry

• We won't be able to defend ourselves

• Crime will rise

• The Chinese will call our debt

We'll all be speaking Mandarin

• An initially skeptical but ultimately fawning profile in The New fork Times Magazine

• A buyout of your "brand" by AOL

• A garish, flag-festooned customized bus to take you to your scary, populist rallies

• An invitation to brunch in Tammy Haddad's D.C. garden

Globe-trotting seer of the big picture

Seen-it-all Beltway insider

Unflashy "voice of the workingman" outsider

NEXT, PICK AN APPROPRIATELY "SURPRISING" TRAIT FOR ADDED TEXTURE AND INTRIGUE:

• Unrepentantly partisan Young Turk ^

• Spleen-venting provocateur

• Forward-thinking progressive Democrat

• Small-government, family-values Republican

THEN FLESH THINGS OUT WITH A SIGNATURE SUB-CHARACTERISTIC:

• Righteous inner-city truth teller

• Suburban mom dealing with lifebalance issues

• Incorrigibly cynical spewer of popculture references

• Recovering politician striving for relevance

• Brittle blonde whose lip gloss and law degree set aging male TV hosts' hearts aflutter

• Straight-shootin', gut-trustin', self-made business sage

• Small-market D.J. and former rodeo clown with a penchant for teary outbursts

ADD IN AN ALL-PURPOSE BOGEYMAN/BOGEYMEN:

George Soros

The Koch brothers

Knuckle-dragging

Tax-loving

Business-hating

Job-killing

Heartless

Clueless

Poll-driven

Fox-watehing

NOW FORMULATE A DEFAMATORY EPITHET FOR YOUR ADVERSARY BY PAIRING A FEW ADJECTIVES FROM THIS GROUP...

• The future of the republic

• Our children's bank accounts

• Our free-market economy

• The First Amendment

• Our basic civil liberties

• National security

• A woman's right to choose

• The American Dream

BECAUSE IF WE SUBSCRIBE TO THE OTHER PARTY'S AGENDA:

ON THE OTHER HAND, IF ALL THIS SEEMS LIKE TOO MUCH WORK, AND YOU JUST WANT TO APPEAR ON TV AND MOUTH OFF ON ALL THE ISSUES, SIMPLY... Be DONALD TRUMP