8 Simple Rules... for Swwiving in Hollywood

VANITIES

I.ACCEPT THE BASIC SOCIAL CONTRACT

“I’ll believe you’re a producer, if you believe I’m a screenwriter.” You just never know: today’s dry cleaner might turn out to be tomorrow’s as-yet-unindicted mini-mogul.

2.ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE TRANSACTIONAL

Friendships are based on the promise that you can help each other. Once you can’t, it’s over. (See Ovitz v. Eisner.)

3.GOSSIP IS CURRENCY

If you've got nothing else to sell, you can always sell someone out. And no matter what anyone tells you, you’re always obliged to reply,

“I already knew that.”

4.OPINIONS ARE LIABILITIES

Nobody ever tells anyone the truth about anything in Hollywood. All scripts are brilliant. Every film is fantastic. Everyone is a genius.

5.TAKE CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING

The mythology of Hollywood begins at the front door. Don’t hesitate to create your own.

6.NEVER CONFUSE ACTIVITY WITH ACCOMPLISHMENT

Just because you spend lots of time in your car driving to meetings doesn’t mean you're getting anywhere.

7.ALWAYS ESTABLISH BLAME

Nothing is ever your fault. Blame the director, blame the studio, blame the star. They'll all blame the writer.

8.HEAT DISSIPATES

Success, power, and fame all come with expiration dates. Nobody really needs a private jet for their exercise equipment, but as long as someone else is willing to pay for it, “ 'tis better to have supped at the trough of gluttony once than never at all.”

BRUCE FEIRSTEIN