Taking America Beaa-yack

THE CAMPAIGN JOURNAL OF KRYSTI McCANDLESS, RISING TEA PARTY SUPERSTAR

Victory, people! Coupla months back, I realized that having no kids was kinda a liabbility in my run for council in Montgomery County, so I thought up an awesome way 2 get myself photographed with youngsters: Direct a show at the local highschool! The school said A-OK. The kids wanted 2 do a Glee-themed show, but I nixed that, as I am sick to death of the gay agenda as propagganded by Glee, Modern Family, and San Francisco winning the last world series. Instead I cooked up a Constitutional paggeant. I was hoping my husband Critter would help me, but what with boating season coming up, he’s been blurry lately, huffing a lot of outboard sealant.

I met with the 23 kids from the school’s drama club. I explained the show 2 them all: 2 me, no issue is more important in the U.S. right now than anchor babies—the babies that illegal immigrants have on these shores in order 2 try 2 secure citizenship. So my show is called “Anchor Babies Away!” Half the cast is in diapers, speaking a pigeon English and forming gangs, while the other half, dressed as historical characters throughout time, recites the history of gunpowder.

We rehearsed like bannshees. Lock ’n’ load! It looked totally awesome—almost like Branson. I even tried to get

my Tea Party colleague Sharron Angle, who’s now a beauty consultant, to do the makeup. (The only liberal policy Sharron has is about foundation and blush, LOL!) All this dazzle helped us get a tiny pre-opening story in the Pennysaver (kuh-ching!).

But then hell descended: people, we were shut down at the final dress by the Dept, of Labor! Turns out, my wobbly-voiced 14-yr-old Daniel Boone was a Towson U professor’s son and a lib whistleblower. But the totally silver lining was the D of L “takedown,” complete with bawling kids and a screaming yours truly, made for amaaaaazing photos, which ran first in the Baltimore San and then got picked up by CNN, CBS, and Bloomstein. Lamestreamaganza! And then, my lifelong dream came true: Glenn Beck said my name on air. OMG, I cried all my mascara off. I looked like Alice Cooper!;-)

HENRY ALFORD