TV Lowlights

The 1985-86 television season has had its share of triumphs. There was Aidan Quinn in An Early Frost, Madonna on Saturday Night Live, and George C. Scott bossing around a lot of black-shirted extras in Mussolini: Portrait of a Bigheaded Baldie. But there were also moments which brought a blush to Grandma's cheek and a thunder of snorts from the horses in the stable. We now, in sorrow, commemorate those moments.

HITTING ROCK BOTTOM as a bag lady in Stone Pillow, Lucille Ball swiped an opened can of cat food from beneath the nose of a cat on a ledge and, making a raid with her fingers, treated herself to dinner. She then returned the can to the ledge. We certainly hope she left some for kitty!

IN THE BODICE-RIPPING Civil War epic North and South, a white female abolitionist ended up in the hayloft with a brawny black slave whose muscles were speckled with raindrops. Undressing, he intoned, "I'ze just not doin' this cuz youze wants to. I'ze doin' this cuz I'ze wants to." Spilling my lemonade, I'ze rushed to the stables to calm the horses.

James Wolcott