The Freelantzovitz Files

The Diary of Josh Freelantzovitz of Flushing, Queens

MONDAY Ugh—more brothy vapors wafting up from the Happy Pleasure Noodle Shop downstairs. Tough to adjust to Flushing after seven years in Park Slope. But what can you do when they've quadrupled your rent and your annual income's down to the $3,000 that Time Out New York pays for writing its cyber-cafe listings? Anyway, the Slope's been ruined by Hollywood types—you can't walk three feet down Seventh Avenue without bumping into Steve Buscemi. Here on 40th Road, it's totally different. The rents are amazing: Mrs. Ling, my landlady, charges $150 a month, and my room comes hot-wired with an ISDN line for fax and modem! Plus, there're plenty of cheap eats on my block, as I've learned from The New York Times—Eric Asimov reviews a place out here every week!

TUESDAY Drafted query letter: "Dear Mr. Brill: Let me just state at the outset what a big fan I am of Brill's Content. As an ethical journalist myself, I feel that I have much to offer you in terms of story ideas. Leafing through the pages of Vogue, for example, I have detected all manner of conflicts of interest. To name but one: Vogue accepts advertising from Helmut Lang—and then features Helmut Lang dresses in its editorial pages! This is inexcusable. But my real purpose in writing to you is to suggest that you hire me to act as ombudsman to your outside ombudsman, Bill Kovach. As I'm sure you know, an outside ombudsman without accountability is a corrupt ombudsman. In my capacity as ombudsman's ombudsman, I would monitor Mr. Kovach to ensure that he doesn't violate the social contract between himself and those he ombudses. I, too, would periodically submit to monitoring, by a third ombudsman. Perhaps in time this would lead to a spin-off publication, Brill's Ombudsman, in which I would of course demand equity. I look forward to discussing terms with you. Yours, Josh Freelantzovitz." Modemed letter over on new ISDN line. Wow, fast!

WEDNESDAY Up at 9:45. Checked E-mail. No response from Steve Brill yet. Headed out for breakfast: 52-cent pork bun at Shanghai Niceness Palace. Sad not to be able to afford $4 lattes anymore, but that'll change when I win my suit against Woody Allen. Clearly, he based the Kenneth Branagh character in Celebrity on me— Leo must have told him about my abbreviated tenure in his posse.

THURSDAY Up at 9:47. Checked E-mail. No response from Steve Brill yet. But a hot E-mail tip from my friend Tom Slushpilitz: Harvey Weinstein's people are putting out feelers for someone to ghost his autobiography. Tom says the deal is Harvey gets an advance of $750,000, of which $500 goes to the writer, who also gets .05 cents for every copy sold past the million mark. Sounds decent. Even better, it'd give me a foot in the door re my violent indie-road-movie screenplay, Kolumbia Kounty, about a handsome but moody freelance writer (Vincent Gallo?) whose parents stop sending him money, so he embarks on a crime spree up the Hudson River valley in a stolen VW bus with his girlfriend (Christina Ricci) before killing himself on his parents' doorstep in Brookline, Massachusetts. (Hmm, prequel possibility: Crookline.) Ordered up $2 lunch special from Malay Fun.

Faxed hot proposal to Harvey, told him our provisional title is MiraMan. Damn! Curry squid on the iMac.

FRIDAY Finally got call from Steve Brill's office. His assistant said Steve had no positions available, but that in the interest of accountability I would receive a written, notarized rejection letter from Steve himself. In addition, the full text of both my letter and his response would be released to the press, and he and Bill Kovach would make themselves available to reporters for comment on the matter. Cool! Celebrated with $1.95 sate at Gorgeous Thai Wonderful Restaurant.

SATURDAY Stayed in. Watched The Opposite of Sex again on payper-view. Christina Ricci rules! (Could be a hot Details cover. Reminder: E-mail Joe Dolce.) I'm totally over Janeane Garofalo.

SUNDAY III. Bad reaction to $1.50 dumplings purchased from Bad Dumpling Express Shop. What the hell was Asimov thinking?

Further bummage from my friend Caitlin, who called and told me her friend Erica at Miramax says Harvey hates me because of my Celebrity lawsuit. He'll get his, then! I've decided to become a citizenjournalist. Coming soon: my fearless gossip site, www.thejoshreport.com ...