The Rich L.A. Doofuses

INTELLIGENCE REPORT

Alleged Day Job

Art Dealer

Party Centerpiece

Kiteboarder

Student

Singe

Taco-Stand Magnate

Starlet Enfrée

MISCHA BARTON

NICOLE RICHIE

MARY-KATE OLSEN

PARIS HILTON

KIMBERLY STEWART

LINDSAY LOHAN

Stab at Immortality

Coined "fireeroteh"

Maintained current weight for two years

Paid homeless man $100 to pour Coke on his own head

Met Paris Hilton when she was 14

Three runs at the door of Caribou in Aspen

Lohan starlet intervention

Nadir

Turned away from Hyde

Gastric bypass

Intimate moment with Paris in PortaPotti at party

Mother insisting he break off with Paris post-sex tape

Last album sells 812 copies in first week

Unwitting Daily Show guest spot

Dixmguixhing Choracmislic

Constant sweat fountain

Sneakerhead

Fahio

Blond on top with visible brown roots

Plaid fedora

Doesn't drink or smoke

Revenge Comment

Regarding Paris: "Her value as a commodity is severely damaged. 9

"I am really glad it is working out for Nicole."

"Lindsay is is pathetic.'

Called Paris a "hooker.

"I 'm sure Kimberly will he very happy when her fiance graduates high school. "

On Phoenix, Arizona: "There is no good Mexican food here.

Signature look

Armani blazer, embroidered jeans

Eminem limited-edition Air Jordans

Eurotrash Encino Man

Lincoln beard and lownecked T

Floppy curls and half-grown goatee

Gold-heart sunglasses and bottled water

Paris?

□ YES ^NO

□ YES NO

□ YES NO

□ YES □ NO

□ YES □ NO

□ YES □ NO

Family fmain

Oil

Street cred

Shipping

Shipping

Music royalties

Theme restaurants

Iobound Sinrlcl

LINDSAY LOHAN

KRISTIN CAVA LLE RI

LINDSAY LOHAN

TARA REID

MARY-KATE OLSEN

CURRENTLY AUDITIONING

Nicknames

The Enchanted Nose Garden

DJ Goldstein

Slav'd for Attention

The He Paris

Disco Pike

Taco Crotch

Bost-Kopt Secret

Body-fat

$50,000 Bar

Mexican ancestry

Actual last name

What he and Mischa Barton talk about

Exit strategy

Celeb Look-Alike

Preppy Preppy killer killer ROBERT ROBERT CHAMBERS

JON CRYER

An old LEIF GARRETT

A young STEVE IRWIN

ZOOT from Dr. Teeth and the Electrii Mayhem

STEVEN WEBER

Groom Heights of Shamolusnoss

Recording a "fireeroteh" song as tribute to his coinage

Girlfriend swap with Brody Jenner

Causing $100,000 in damages to a hotel room in a pillow fight

Called Paris "the most incredible woman I have ever met in my life"

Complained the media deliberately print ugly pictures of him

ought to rename Arizona Cardinals stadium for Pink Taco

Pickup Line

"I can make your crotch famous overnight."

"I'm looking for a new South Beach buddy."

"Spin the bottle. My dad's yacht. Midnight. '

I m richer than Brandon and Harry combined."

"Mischa's shooting!"

"Brandon didn't know how good he had it."

RICHARD RUSHFIELD

ADAM LEFF