TRUE LIES

A Cache of Internet Insincerity

BRUCE FEIRSTEIN

PART I

(SIGNING ON)

I'm only going to be online for a few minutes.

I'm just going to check my e-mail.

I just want to see if anything came in from the office.

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CONTINUED on page 314

CONTINUED from page 312

Learn the real truth about George Bush.

Learn the real truth about Hillary Clinton.

DailyCandy.com is easily worth $100 million.

The blogs are going to replace the mainstream media.

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I'll only be a few more minutes.

I'm coming right up to bed.

I am not addicted to the Internet.

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PART 2

(MAKING THE CONNECTION)

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I agree to the terms of service. John Smith.

A sexy, single 38-year-old.

150 pounds.

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Nonsmoking.

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10 inches.

Looking for a serious relationship.

Long walks on the beach. U2 and Coldplay.

HunkOfSteaming Manhood.22@ hotmail.com.

IncrediblyHotChick.443@

yahoo.com.

Nice to meet you.

You're cute.

You're sexy.

I've never done this before.

CONTINUED on page 316

i i i CONTINUED from page 314

I'm in Russia.

I'm up for anything.

I'm over 18.

I swear, it's my real picture. I've never Googled myself.

I never read the blogs.

Of course it's my real name. LOL.

IMHO.

ROTFL.

We re soul mates.

I'd love to meet you.

I just need $2,500 for the airfare.

Cookies are harmless.

It's not as if the N.S.A. is going to read your e-mail.

You can trust me.

Your secrets are safe with me.

There's nothing to worry about. I'll delete the e-mail.

Clearing out the Internet cache will erase my tracks.

I can't wait to see you. C-U-L8-R.

PART 3

(SIGNING OFF)

I didn't mean to surprise you. I wasn't snooping.

I found it by accident.

I can explain.

I've never visited those Web

I have no idea who that is.

Somebody must have stolen my credit card.

Online sex doesn't count.

That is not my MvSpace account.

I didn't send that e-mail.

I don't even know how to blog. We can handle this like adults.

If you send me $200,000,

I can make sure this doesn't show up in Page Six.

I'll kill myself if this shows up on the Huffington Post.

I've been smeared by conservative wingnuts blogging in their pajamas.

I've been persecuted by left-wing moonbats postingon the Daily Kos.

It's not me.

It's all a mistake.

I'll never go near a computer again.