LIPS TOGETHER, TEETH APART

HOLLYWOOD

In strict secrecy, Hollywood wives, actresses, and agents are joining private group seminars to master one of the very oldest arts

Girls' night out in Los Angeles may still be a Tupperware party for some, but for a growing number of Hollywood women it's a group session with L. Lou Paget on the fine art of, ahem, fellatio. Paget, a trim, 40-ish former employee of Twentieth Century Fox who looks as if she could be a stewardess, has been giving these practical seminars since 1996. They are in private settings, for groups of up to 15, last from three to five hours, and rely heavily on the use of anatomically correct paraphernalia.

"I have to tell you, this is the last thing I thought I would be doing," says Paget, whose voice is as soft as sand running through an hourglass. "As my agent said, 'You're like the Martha Stewart of sex tips.' You can't get more Waspy or Junior League-y than me."

As guests arrive, they select one of a range of "instructional products" (read "dildos") affixed to fine-china plates. It's a good idea to arrive early, in order to avoid being stuck with either the smallest or the largest of these. (The "executive," or "Porsche driver," is the smallest.) Gathered around the table on an average night are Hollywood wives, ex-wives, actresses, agents, and P.R. women. Their names are kept in strictest confidentiality. Together they get down to the business of learning such techniques as the Basket Weave, the Taffy-Pull, and the Ode to Bryan, also known as the Penis Samba. Recently, after having the last of these explained by Paget, one wife asked, "How big a diamond will this get me?" Paget shot back, "Quite honestly, fairly large." One of the questions most often asked is: Is it fattening? (Answer: "Oh, hardly. It's like loading up on Tic Tacs.") Another favorite: How much of it is there? (Answer: "Not even a tablespoonful. It varies.")

The most difficult exercise involves manipulating a condom over the instructional product with the lips. After one actress proudly announced, "I don't do balls or ass," a fellow seminarian told her, "Well, then you must not be very popular."

"A lot of the stuff that gets shared in the seminars is about validating what you already know," says Paget. "But invariably your skill and prowess is only as good as it had to be for your last partner, and as one woman put it, 'For some of us, that was back in high school.' I started asking friends to tell me the best thing that ever happened to them. Plus, a friend of mine who was gay gave me some of the best throat and hand stuff going."

There are light moments. In referring to testicles, Paget says, "And don't neglect the 'stepchildren.'" After she told one group that men enjoy the feel of women's hair during the process, a young woman snapped, "A great way to ruin a good blow-dry."

Paget used to give two or three seminars a week, but she is cutting back. Her book for women, How to Be a Great Lover, is in its fifth printing, and last month Random House's Broadway Books published a version for men, How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure. Paget also gives all-male seminars. "Men are not typically as conversational as women," she says. "It takes them longer to warm up."

KRISTA SMITH